Waiting on the rain !

I normally let Megan do the posting here but today I wanted to write too. Since last week we when heard that this little boy could be ours I began to love him and hadn't even seen a picture of him yet.  He was going to be ours for as long as God had planned.  I dreamed of how fun it would be to go in the back yard and toss the football or baseball or to have my son sitting in the jump seat as we travel across this great country!!! All of this was so close but yet so far!
  When Megan called me this afternoon to tell me that the placement wasn't going to happen I was somewhere in Illinois and heartbroken. It felt as if my child died today and I never had the chance to see him/her.  I got off the phone and proceeded to beat my steering wheel into submissions screaming at the top of my lungs at God!  Why are you doing this to us???? We have done everything we needed to do and yet nothing is going right. What are you trying to tell us??   I realize things don't happen on our time but on Gods time, but my patience is starting to run thin!!  Our child was right there and in an instant he was gone!! Why??
    They said this process was not going to be easy and they were right. It has been the most rewarding at times and heartbreaking at other times.  I know that God has our special gift of children out there and we just have to be patient and wait for his timing and I will continue to praise him in this storm!!!   It has been a major comfort today to know that we have so many of you praying and hoping along with us.  Reading your comments has brought me tears on many occasions and Megan and I really appreciate it. On that I am going to say good night to our son or daughter where ever you are tonight. We can't wait to meet you! We love you with both of our hearts!  I can't wait to be your dad with lots of hugs and kisses!!!!


 Lord the fields have been planted and we are waiting on the rain!!    

Todd

The roller coaster continues...

It was a very long holiday weekend waiting to hear about our little boy! We got some really great news this morning! CCHO called and told us that the case worker decided that we were the best fit for him and that I would need to pick him up at the county building this afternoon/evening after the custody hearing was over! I ran out and got a booster seat for the car, some pj's for tonight, a tooth brush and tooth paste for him and some shampoo and body wash. I also grabbed a couple groceries because I had just planned on eating left overs all week but I didn't think he would like that. When I got home I finished cleaning up the kitchen from the busy weekend, did some laundry and finally sat down to eat lunch. Shortly after I finished that I got a call from CCHO again telling me that the court hearing was over. Then everything came crashing down. The judge decided to give mom a few more weeks to work through the things she needs to do to keep him. She will go back to court later this month. Staying with the birth parents is always the goal with foster care, but it really sucks for us right now.

I thought we were finally past all these emotions! I cried and cried and poured my heart out to God last night about wanting to be a mom so bad and about this little one that we were waiting on. I also asked for peace if the answer was no. Right now I sure don't feel any peace about this! I feel like I did when we first started trying to get pregnant a couple of years ago. I used to get really hopeful and excited every month. Then when I would see a negative pregnancy test month after month, I would be crushed. I feel like this whole weekend was leading up to the "pregnancy test." Then this morning I got a "positive test" finally! Now I just feel like I've had a "miscarriage." I guess in a way it is kind of an emotional miscarriage. We are having to deal with feelings of loss right now for the child that was so close to being ours. I guess that's the best way I can describe how we are feeling right now. I know that God has everything under control and that He already knows the children that will one day join our family, but it really sucks having to go through all this pain and emotion while we wait on His perfect time.

We will continue to pray for this little guy! Who knows, we might get him later on this month depending on what the judge decides. In the meantime, we would really appreciate all your prayers during this time! Prayers for peace and patients for us, prayers for safety for the little guy, and prayers for discernment for the judge in a few weeks!

Thanks everyone!

Megan