Progress!

GOOD NEWS! We are moving in the right direction!!! Actually, I'm just excited that we are moving in the process at all! I feel like we have been on hold for the last couple years, starting from when we were trying to get pregnant so it just feels good to be taking some steps forward in expanding our family! I am half way done with the pre-service training classes that we have to take! We each need a total of 36 hours of training and I've got 18 hours done so far! I have tomorrow, next Tuesday and Thursday evenings, and next Saturday to go yet and then I will be finished! Can't wait to add a check mark to our long list of things we have to get done! On the other hand...Todd only has 9 hours done so far. He will not be able to make it tomorrow and won't be there again until next Saturday (hopefully!). It's very frustrating that his boss isn't willing to work with us so he can be here for at least most of the classes! It's very upsetting for me because he doesn't understand that this is the only way we can have children and these are the steps we HAVE to take to get them...not like it's an option, it's a requirement! So anyways, he will have to make up the classes he is missing over the next few months when they are offered on Saturdays in the surrounding counties.

All of this baby stuff is very emotional for me. I'm very excited that we have adoption that we can turn to but that doesn't make dealing with infertility any less emotional and painful for me, especially since the reason we can't get pregnant is because of me. As blessed as we are to be able to travel down this road of adoption, I still have a deep desire and longing to have our own natural child and be able to experience pregnancy and child birth. I've really been struggling with this lately! If you've never gone through infertility before you won't understand this, but not being able to get pregnant, emotionally feels like a loss. Sometimes I feel like I've moved past that and I'm only focused on the adoption. At other times, however, like the last few weeks, something triggers it for me and I have to deal with it all over again. I think what triggered it this time, may have been starting the pre-service classes because I feel like it's completely closing the door for me to ever be able to get pregnant because once we adopt, we won't have a need for our own natural children. As I'm sitting here writing this, crying uncontrollably, I feel ungrateful to God for giving us this blessing of being able to start our family through adoption, and selfish because I still want our own kids, along with our adopted kids. I go back and forth so much! I don't do well with not feeling in control of my emotions and the things we have going on in our lives. Like I said in an earlier post, I'm a control freak! I would appreciate anyone who is willing to pray for me and my emotions in trying to get through this. To make it worse I'm "nesting" like crazy! I've been working very hard to get the office, soon to be nursery, cleaned out so we can have another check mark on our to-do list. It's quite a chore to get all this accomplished without any help from my husband. Since he is gone all week long, the last thing he wants to do when he is home for 34 hours is help me organize and I want him to have time to relax! I have mostly everything organized, but now I have to figure out where I can move my office to. I've been having so much fun looking on Pinterest to get decorating ideas for the nursery!! :) Also, we have decided not to move unless we find something really great in price that's at least 3 bedrooms. It's just so much of a hassle to have to move so we will stay here for now.

To end, I wanted to put the link to a song that I've been hearing on the radio a lot lately. It's called "Strangely Dim" by Francesca Battistelli. It really hits home for me. God always puts the perfect song in my life right when I need it! When I heard this song a few weeks ago, it just reminded me that even though my emotions are going crazy right now, God has a plan for us...a PERFECT plan!! I don't know what it is, but He does! My favorite part of the song is towards the end where she says, " I don't know what tomorrow may hold. But I know, but I know, that You're holding it all." I need to fix my eyes on the Lord and put all my energy into growing in my walk with Him and trust that He will give us children in His perfect time, not mine. Anyways, here's the link...LOVE THIS SONG!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DG9NeP0CLc&noredirect=1
(if you scroll down, the lyrics are typed out under this video!)

Thanks for reading and for all your continued prayers and words of encouragement for us!

Megan